Cheltenham Town v Scunthorpe United

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Football League One

Cheltenham Town :
Scott P Brown, Gallinagh, Kenton, Diallo, Wright, Vincent, Wesolowski, Payne (Ridley 86), Murray, Owusu, Fleetwood (Connor 53)
Subs not used:
Higgs, Caines, Gill

Scunthorpe United :
Murphy, Byrne, Pearce, Mirfin, Williams, Sparrow, Togwell, McCann, Woolford (Forte 77), Hooper (Wright 89), Hayes (May 55)
Subs not used:
Lillis, Crosby

SULSESC REPORT

by Ian Rees at Whaddon Road

Lee Ridley Substitution Changes Course Of the Game

A headline that is rarer than a Ben May goal. My son had promised to write this match report. However, at half time when reviewing his notes on the highlights of the first half, he decided that he would have too much homework to do. Therefore, it has fallen to me to write the match report. To be fair to Chyavan,

1. His complete notes were "Nice weather. Goal by Hooper 35 minutes", which in fact does accurately capture the entire highlights of the first half.

2. The only other highlight up to that time had been the Timothy Taylor's Landlord at The Royal Oak, which a 13 year old boy couldn't have been expected to appreciate

Usually attending a Scunthorpe game is a rushed affair for me and it is not often I get the time to enjoy a pint or two before a game. However, Cheltenham, being the home of National Hunt racing, is a well rehearsed journey for me and so it was I was parked up at the Pitville Pump Rooms by 12.30 and in the Royal Oak by 12.45. I had been torn between going to Cheltenham's first racing weekend of the season or the game at Whaddon Road. Sitting in the Beer garden at The Royal Oak amongst all racing aficionados, reading the Racing Post, was causing me to rethink my decision. However, I concluded that however much they were going to charge for a Programme, a Bovril and 2 Pukka Chicken Balti Pies, it was going to cost me considerably less to go to the football.

And so after a pleasant hour spent in the beer garden of the Royal Oak, we had a short stroll down to the ground. I know this is wrong but does anybody else feel like me when you arrive at grounds such as Cheltenham and MK Dons - that these places shouldn't really have football teams ! Even when we played Brighton at the Withdean Stadium, at least I felt that buzz and anticipation that you normally get at games because after all Brighton and Hove Albion are a proper football team, even if they do play their home games at the equivalent of Quibell Park. Anyway, I guess it must affect some other fans because it was very quiet in the Away end for most of the game. I feel very churlish thinking this, particularly as the bunch of enthusiastic Cheltenham supporters to our right, chanted and sang all the way through the game, desperately trying to create some atmosphere. "Come On Children! Come On Children!" - at least that's what it sounded like, as I thought they were urging each other on to even greater heights of lyrical genius.

Their rendition of "When the Reds", to the tune of "When the Saints Go Marching In" had a distinct New Orleans flavour. They continued in the same vein despite the unable assistance of a Bass Drummer with Tourette's syndrome. The spiritual classic "Kum Ba Ya My Lord" was delivered in those upper registers with absolutely no vibrato, in a way that only prepubescent boys can do. This combined with a woeful first half display from Scunthorpe had by this time brought me close to tears. However, there was something far more sinister going on. Through my tears I could see that their singing had induced a trance like state in Paul Hayes. In this altered state of consciousness he was unwilling to get involved in challenges for the ball and was obviously receptive to suggestions from the crowd that he was rubbish. I shall be writing to the FA about Cheltenham's trance inducing tactics.

Unfortunately, the Cheltenham choir had played their best hand too soon and their follow-up with the less well-known numbers "You can stick your Gary Hooper up your arse" and "You boring Northern bastards" only contributed to exposing their lack of depth. Gradually the mist of "Come on Children" clarified as "Come On Cheltenham" to bring me back to reality just in time for Scunthorpe's first attack of the game in the 33rd minute. One minute Cheltenham had been attacking our goal and the next McCann played it through to Gary Hooper who coolly slotted the ball past the keeper from the right hand side of the penalty area. GOAL - Gary Hooper. Assist by Grant McCann.

In the 2nd half, Cheltenham continued to dominate, urged on by Martin Allen stood on the touchline, looking as though he had been dressed in the dark by his mum. On 55 minutes Paul Hayes was replaced by that goal scoring machine that is Ben May. Cheltenham continued to have most of the possession and the Scunthorpe defence were heroic. In the 60th minute there was a bit of "afters" between Joe Murphy and Lloyd Owusu in which Owusu appeared to kick Murphy. It looked like six of one and half a dozen of the other as Murphy was hanging onto Owusu's foot and the small kick looked pretty innocuous. However, I was instantly transported back to the 70s as one of the Scunthorpe fans chose to emulate the bigoted half-wit Eddie Booth from the 70s sitcom "Love Thy Neighbour" by shouting "Jungle Bunny" at Owusu. I'm told by my son that earlier in the game when the ball had gone into the place where wheelchair bound supporters sit, this same supporter had laughed that the "ball had hit the Spassers". Makes you proud doesn't it.

Clearly this was going to be a long half to endure, not only for the fans but for the referee also. And this is where the referee, Keith Hill pulled off a masterstroke. When Cheltenham won their next corner, Mr Hill decided that this was a good time to take one of our players off. So he sent Martyn Woolford off to change his shirt as it had blood on it. Once Woolford had gone off, he signalled for the corner to be taken from which Connor scored. On the touchline, you could clearly see Nigel Adkins explaining to the fourth official that he accepted the decision to let play continue with equanimity, that poor decisions were just part of the game and that you take the rough with the smooth. GOAL - Paul Connor. Assist by referee Keith Hill.

Later in the half, Gary Hooper was put through on goal. Rather than shoot first time, he took a bit too much time but still delivered a perfect ball across to Ben May who was stood directly in front of the goal with only the goalkeeper to beat. Using the speed and guile of a man who had failed to escape the attentions of a 74 year old security guard at B&Q, he tried to side-step the keeper. The keeper dived at his foot and collected the ball.

There were 3 important last ditch clearances from Mirfin, Williams and Byrne until the 89th minute when after a goal kick from Murphy, the ball reached Sparrow. Sparrow advanced to a position almost identical to that in which Hooper had scored and slid the ball home with a prefect finish. GOAL - Matt Sparrow.

In summary, a poor game. David Mirfin in my opinion was Man Of the Match. Cheltenham are very physical - no I mean dirty. However, they will probably take points from other teams. Their support though is great and without them the game would have had the same atmosphere as a library. So as long as we get promoted and don't have to play the dirty so and sos again, I hope they stay up. And finally, yes Jack Cork was very good but the player I have seen at Scunthorpe who is most likely to make it at the top level, without a doubt, is Krystian Pearce. This boy is class.